Bill and Kent's Place

It Gets Better

It Gets Better.

That's what we tell gay kids these days. After nine suicides by gay teenagers who were relentlessly bullied in school, people started to talk about bullying. Specifically, being bullied because you are "different" (what they really mean is, being gay or lesbian or transgendered). This has spawned everything from Ellen Degeneres tearfully giving a plea for tolerance, to Dan Savage launching his web site, "It Gets Better Project".

I'm not putting any of this down, but I think it's time to have a dose of brutal honesty about this problem. I introduce another dead gay teenager...

This was Eric James Borges. He was only 19 years old. In his words, "I was physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally assaulted on a day-to-day basis for my perceived sexual orientation. I was stalked, spit on, ostracized and physically assaulted."

Yet, he made videos about how it gets better, and to hold on to hope because in a few years your life will get better. All of this after the bullying, being kicked out of his home by his Christian parents last September, and an exorcism that his mother attempted. Even after all of this, he said,

I'm giving you this condensed history of my background to tell you this: it gets better. Now, I am a supplemental instructor of sexuality, a freelance guest speaker, a published writer and I work for the Trevor Project, the world's largest organization focused on suicide and crisis prevention among LGBTQ youth. I have met and befriended the most incredible and authentic people since I've come out.

There's a bigger issue involved here. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't really get better. It gets different. After high school, the bullying usually does stop. It did for me. But then, other things come in to take its place. As you enter the work force, you can be faced with all kinds of new problems. Is your new boss homophobic? How about your coworkers? How about your workplace in general? For that matter, what about the state you are living in? Does the state have a law on the books preventing that employer for firing you merely on the grounds of being gay? Many states allow this. On a personal level, I can't tell you over the years how many homophobic jokes I've heard in the workplace, and I've been with the same company for 24 years. Hell, I was even blackmailed once. The latest one occurred eight months ago when a gay joke was stated right in front of me. I sat, listened, and said nothing. Why bother? It's a battle I will not win. And, if I make trouble, there's other ways to get rid of people at work. I'll play their game.

People wonder why I'm always harping on gay marriage. It's actually not marriage per se that I'm interested in. It's the denial of marriage that puts us in a state of separation. It is a vehicle for the likes of Rick Santorum to spread the concept that they (the queers) aren't like us (regular Christian folks). Putting us in a separate category is the impetus of practically every bad thing that has happened to us. Even before marriage equality caught on, we were separate. You find out that someone was gay say in the 60's or 70's, and they were instantly a "queer" (other terms apply). Today, in more and more places, it's not so cool to call people those names, at least in public, outside of school. This has happened over time, and today, marriage is the last hope that people like Eric Borges has at being part of the larger community of mankind.

Last night, I watched the new episode of Bill Maher. As a guest, he interview Herman Cain. Cain is no friend to gay rights, but I did find something he said quite compelling. He said in essence, that what is tearing America apart is the use of labels. He said that you can be physically free of slavery, but mentally, you can be a slave of the labels that are put upon you. I doubt that he would apply that principle to gay people (we deserve it after all), but I think his concept is solid.

Perhaps Eric Borges could see what life would be like, and simply didn't like what he saw. There was certainly a time that I was right with him on his decision. I chose to live, but it still goes on. Everyday at work, I still wonder what people think of me. And the only reason they are silent is because they are so down about the economy that they don't know what their own future will be. I've grown used to it, and, I've accepted that this is what life as a gay man is, at this point in time. I have been able to marry the love of my life, and I'm very thankful for that, but outside of my life in the real world, it hasn't changed anything. We stay in Connecticut because our marriage is valid here. We still don't have full equality, and couples in other states can't even get married.

It's all about labels and the bucket that you are put into. Until we get rid of these buckets and labels, there will be many more suicides as young people come to realize what they are up against, and there's very little they can do about it.

I wish I could say "it gets better". The best I can say is that if you surround yourself with real friends, you can hold on to life, and it's not that bad. I've tried to do just that.

A Year in Remembrance

Last year had a lot of milestones in my life.  I haven't posted in awhile because so many things have been happening. I haven't felt that I've been able to write about some events, but now I feel that I can.

One of the biggest events of the year, and my entire life, was a celebration of our wedding. As some of you know, Kent and I got married, yes, officially married in the State of Connecticut on October 15, 2010. It was a quiet wedding - just the two of us, our two cats, and the Justice of the Peace. It took place in our home. It was a bittersweet affair for me. I was overjoyed that we finally had the opportunity to have a marriage license. I was also sad that I really wasn't able to share this amazing experience with my family and friends in Idaho. Idaho, being the very conservative state that it is, really killed that opportunity. I think we would both have preferred to have our families present for the wedding.

A few weeks after the wedding, as I thought about it more, it occurred to me that I now know why some people want to keep marriage out of the reach of gay couples. POWER. It is a not-so-subtle way of telling us to sit in the back of the bus, drink from the "gays only" water fountain, and use the "gays only" restrooms. History repeats itself. And there are many who will read these analogies and scoff at them, saying "it's not the same thing!" Really? Many black folks will say the same thing and be insulted that I would even dare to compare the two. But from where I'm sitting, it's exactly the same thing. When this realization set in, I became quite angry because it's not so much about "saving marriage", but rather, keeping marriage, with all its legal responsibilities, out of our reach. So today, we have the over 800 legal rights afforded to us by the State of Connecticut. We do not have the 1,138 legal rights afforded us at the national level (the big ticket items). It's hard to look at the hypocrisy of politicians today who want a national constitutional amendment voiding our marriage, when many of them have been married 4-5 times in the past. If they really wanted to "save marriage", perhaps they should start by looking in the mirror.

Negative thoughts aside, I'll take what we have and cherish it. And on the more positive side, we were able to have a wedding reception on June 11, 2011 at my cousin Kim's home in Caldwell, Idaho. Yes, IDAHO! She really did give us a wedding reception, cake and all. I love her so much for just being her, and having such a big heart. I was a nervous wreck. I didn't know how it would be received. And it's not as if it were concealed to be something else. She sent out invitations to the entire family and our friends, and at the top of the invitation, it read, "We Have Wed". It listed our names and location of the celebration. At the reception, I kept wondering if the police would show up to arrest us for an illegal act or something by celebrating this (Idaho has a state constitutional amendment against it). That's just my insecurities showing through I suppose. Not surprising, not all familly members could bring themselves to come to the event, I assume for religious reasons. At least I suppose I now know who supports us in our journey through life together, and who doesn't. My Uncle Bill came. He's 90 years old, very conservative, and very red neck. I told him of all people, I was surprised he came. He said, "You are my nephew and I love you. And, it's what Irene (my mother) would have wanted." Sometimes, support comes in the most unlikely places.

Another big event of my life this past year is work related. I'm still in the same job, but my job has changed a lot. The company that I've worked for over the last 24 years, was acquired by another company in 2010. The change has been tremendous, and I report to different people now. I can't say it's good or bad, just much different. It's difficult for many people to accept change. I try to roll with it and be as accommodating as I can be. I can't say it's all been easy, but I have on my side experience and wisdom. Ten years ago, I think this would have been much more difficult for me.

Will I have a home at this new company we are forming? I believe I will, but I've been through enough things in my life to simply not worry about it. As I tell others, "Worry about what you can effect. Everything else is a waste of time and energy." I tend to live my life that way now. Trust me, there are worse things in life than worrying about job security. I've lived through most of them.

Finally, we had a very nice Christmas with our folks in Yuma, Arizona. I thought it would be warmer. I think I've become more sensitive to cold. It was 65-70 degrees there during the day, but it felt like the 50's to me. It was nice to see the folks again, along with Kent's brother and sister-in-law. We seem to only connect in person every Christmas.

I'm looking forward to the New Year with great optimism, and I'm thankful for all that we have. I hope you all have a great New Year!