Bill and Kent's Place

Giving Thanksgiving Early

I've kept busy this week. I've wrapped myself up in my work. There are many challenges right now at work and I'm actually getting excited in a lot of things happening at work. But to be truthful, I haven't kept busy because of work. I've kept myself occupied with tasks to avoid the mental preoccupation of what has happened in New Jersey. I'm talking about the suicide of Tyler Clementi, a freshman college student at Rutgers University in New Jersey. On September 22, 2010, Tyler made one final entry on his Facebook page, that simply said, "Jumping off the gw bridge sorry." His body was recovered a few days later.

Why has this effected me so deeply? Because I could have so easily have been Tyler. We had so many things in common. We were both shy. We were both gay. We were both musicians. We were both violinists. We both majored in music at college. We were both accomplished musicians. At his age of 18, I protected my gay identity with all my might. In conservative Idaho, that would have meant certain death for me, or so I thought. Would I have actually been killed by the caring people in Emmett, Idaho circa 1973? Maybe, in the right place at the right time. It happened to Matthew Sheppard in not so far away Wyoming.

I was subjected to ridicule and bullying as well in my final weeks of high school. I managed to be clever enough to keep being gay a secret until about two weeks before my high school graduation. After that, I was routinely followed home at high speed in my car by a bunch of teenage thugs. I would run into my home, lock the doors, and watch from the window as they damaged my car, broke the windshield, and broke the headlights. Our dog was going crazy inside. I actually feared for my life those two weeks. I couldn't wait to leave Emmett and escape to college. Yes, I understand what Tyler was feeling the night he took his life. I understand it very well.

What we didn't have was the technology to publicize a very private thing so easily, for the purpose of hurting and humiliating another human being. When I was 18, to bully me, you actually had to do so face to face. You had to confront the object of your disdain. And the audience was as large as whoever happened to be there. Not so in Tyler's case. He was only confronted with a web cam lens while others watched.

So today, you don't have to actively confront your victim. All you have to do is simply set up a web cam, and from the comfort of another dorm room, instantly stream your victim having an intimate encounter with another man, for all the world to see in real time. You can also invite others to enjoy the show all over the world. And while you are doing this, you are outing that person, not only to the world, but to those who care for him the most, his family, and his friends, and everyone else he knew or knew of him. In deed, his roommate made this Twitter feed advertising that he was going to live stream his roommates encounter in what Tyler thought was the privacy of his dorm room.

Dharun Ravi's now deleted Twitter feed featuring posts relating to the incident

His roommate and another friend then streamed the encounter live to the Internet. His roommate and his roommates "friend" then just sat back and let it happened. They are pictured below.

Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei

That would honestly have been too much for me to take when I was 18, so I do understand Tyler's sense of hopelessness the night that he jumped off the bridge, and the thought that this was much bigger than just himself. To him, it involved the possible loss of those who loved him most, his dignity, self respect, shaming his family, and how others would view him. When that happens, what is honestly left to live for? I believe that was his frame of mind that night on the George Washington Bridge.

The difference between my day and the present, is that perhaps Tyler felt he may have had a bit more acceptance than I had in my day. He was wrong. Some things don't change. In this society, we like to think they we have evolved in our thinking on the subject of "acceptance" and "homosexuality". Baloney. It's not real. And you need to be very careful who you put the label of "friend" on. I have a very small handful of friends by design. These extraordinary people don't see me as a gay person. They don't even think about it. And when I'm around them, for a time, I don't even think about it either.

I no longer allow people of limited character have power over me. That's because I have an arsenal of weapons at my disposal. Let's call it knowledge. Those who try to throw crap my way do so at their peril. I recently meant a friend from college that I hadn't seen in thirty years. We had what I thought was a great visit. We talked for three hours. And in the last five minutes, all of that was erased with one very simple sentence, "I worry about your salvation." That no longer works with me. I told him that he can talk to me after he stops using the Bible as a laundry list of sins, most of which will be ignored if they hit too close to home, and some of which will be hurled at others (like me). Hypocrites.

I feel horrible for Tyler's family and friends. But life will go on, and that's the problem. Nothing will change. We will feel bad, just as we felt when Matthew Sheppard was murdered. To this day the state of Wyoming does not have a hate crimes law in place. There was talk at the time of Matthew's death, but after time, the good people of Wyoming decided that their way of life was just fine. I sound so cynical don't I? It's not as if I haven't been given ample examples of this in the past. It happens all the time.

I'll tell you what... let's wait to see what Rutgers University will do about this? In ten years time, what policies will be in place to prevent this from happening? I would bet quite a bit of money that nothing will be in place, just like all the other major universities in the nation.

I want to take those responsible and beat the living shit out of them. But I know that is not the answer, and it is contrary to everything I stand for as a human being. This will be their burden. They did this. They might as well have pushed him off the bridge themselves.

So what am I so thankful for? Simply, that I lived. As a teen I wasn't so successful at suicide as Tyler was, although I did try. But if I had been there with Tyler that night on that bridge, I would have tried to give him hope. I would have said, "Tyler, look at me. Look where I'm at today. If I had succeeded in doing what you are about to do, I would have missed so much. I would have missed the love of my life, my upcoming marriage, the Fall colors of New England, seeing the world, and all the small little things that make life so much bigger than being different, or the act of jumping off a bridge." Would I have been able to talk him out of it after being outed to the world? Probably not. It's all out on the Internet, probably on many different computers. You can't pull that back.

I don't want to forget Tyler, and I know that over time he will fade away, just as Matthew has. So, this is the gentle soul that we lost. It's just a couple of photos to put the name with the face.

On a final note, Tyler was scheduled to perform with the Rutgers Symphony Orchestra tonight. His name will remain on the program.

I'm going to miss you Tyler. I'm your brother who never met you.

Priorities

It amazes me how one single event in a person's life can alter the priority list for that person. We all have priority lists; what is the most important thing to you, and the least important. And between those two extremes, are all the things that we do in our daily lives.

Take me for example. I used to love blogging and talking (bitching) about social issues. I still love blogging when I have time and feel up to it, but social issues have really dropped on my list of priorities. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain anymore, and my progress with my cardiac rehab program is going well. In fact, in the last week, after months of really hard work, I can finally measure that I have a bit more stamina at the end of the day. Today, I see my cardiologist. After that, I will go home, and it's entirely possible that I will feel up to taking a nice long, fast-paced walk after I get home. And all of this after I took my cardiac rehab class this morning, and worked most of the day. A month ago, when I got home after all of that, I would have been wiped out. So, I see progress.

But I've also noticed that what is important to me has shifted. It's as if I'm looking at the world now through different eyes. I'm online less now with the social networks. I suppose I should care about the social issues more. I am an activist after all. But somehow, my heart just isn't in it (no pun intended). I think some of that has to do with our society as a whole right now. We seem much more disconnected with each other and much more withdrawn individually. Perhaps that's because so many of us face a less predictable future with jobs and health care in general. With me, I think it's few things.

First and foremost, I could have died. That was a wake up call to me of all the things I took for granted and just how easily life can go out with the blink of an eye. Life is so fragile. I'm lucky. I have a doctor who picked up on warning signs that many doctors would have missed. Also, so much life can simply be missed by being angry at how society looks at you because of the color of your skin, your sexuality, or any other thing about you that is different. I'm tired of being angry because I don't have that luxury any more. Nor should I. The world will do what the world is going to do whether I like it or not, with or without me.

That being said, I am happy about the hate crimes bill that is now on it's way to the President for his signature. This was years in the making, and even today, there are many in Congress who wanted it to be it's own bill so it would die again. But this time, it's attached to the defense funding bill, and that has many on Capitol Hill bitching and moaning that they are being forced to pass a bill that will collect statistics and add time to sentencing if you beat up or kill a gay, lesbian, or transgendered person. In other words, we are no longer invisible. They now have to acknowledge that hate crimes are actually something that a large part of my community fear and have had to live with for a very long time. I also have hope that progress can be made on Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the Defense of Marriage Act. Both of them should be abolished, and my hope is that will happen sometime in the next 3 years.

But happen or not, I think about myself and my family now first and foremost. Everything else is gravy. If that makes me a selfish bastard, I can live with that. I've paid my dues and I've done my fair share of marches and protests.

The Politics of Being Patient

I thought awhile about what to call this entry. I thought "Circle Jerk Politics" would be appropriate, but might offend some. Or maybe "broken promises", or "Obama, just another politician."

I guess it doesn't matter what you call the entry. I've come to this conclusion: politicians are about as useful as pimple on the end of your nose. You can see it, it looks awful, and when you try to treat it, it hurts, but doesn't do anything.

Let's take this speech that President Obama gave to the Human rights campaign fund: On YouTube

Part I
Part 2
Part 3

The President showed up at a dinner sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign Fund, and organization that hasn't been able to get the President to do ONE DAMNED THING for equality.

When the President entered office, he was asked how he was going to handle all the issues he faces. He answered, "I believe that The President ought to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time." So here we are months later. He's managing two wars, health care, and many other issues. This is why I didn't pressure him to deal with our issues immediately. After all, our community has always been a political football used to gain votes when necessary. I was sure this President was different. I knew he wouldn't use us to gain votes for the radical right, but I thought he'd do something, anything, to help us in some way.

He has done NOTHING.

And his campaign had the gall to ask me for money. I simply threw it back in their face.

And then he shows up to a dinner telling us to be more patience. Well, I'm done with the likes of him, Barney Frank, the Human Rights Campaign Fund, and all the rest of the so called "gay rights organizations" who can't seem to get jack shit accomplished. Yes, I will be cancelling my membership to all of them. I pay them to get results, and I see nothing.

The President has said he wants to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell as soon as Congress passes a bill. He's the Commander in Chief. He could do it within hours by this thing called an Executive Order. He alone has the power to enact it, and then tell Congress to catch up. But he won't. Why? Simple. POLITICS. He doesn't want to be seen as being too pro-gay to the right wing whackos that never want brave gay Americans to serve our country in the military. In other words, HE'S USING US.

On hate crimes legislation, it looks as if Congress may pass the first ever hate crimes legislation, and the President said he would sign it. What would the bill do. It would give federal officials the ability to track hate crimes on a national level. I haven't read the bill, so I don't know if extra sentencing time is mandated in the bill, nor do I know if hate crime tracking is mandatory for federal officials. But I do know that Congress did this with little help from this President. Who did the most work on advancing this bill? The late Senator Kennedy.

It will be the same for the Defense of Marriage Act. This President won't lift a finger to overturn it. Yet, during his campaign, he promised to help overturn the law. He said he would do it because, his words, "the law is unconstitutional", meaning, it violates the separation of church and state, targets a specific group of people for special consideration (in this case, the blocking of equality), and violates the 14th Amendment. And when he became President, didn't Obama take an oath to defend and UPHOLD the Constitution of the United States of America?

It would seem that this President can not walk and chew gum at the same time.

In terms of the President talking to the Human Rights Campaign Fund, while they all cheered on his little talking points of inaction; Barney Frank saying that our march for equality was a waste of time and that we would be better off calling our legislators, in light of that, I think this entry should be called "circle jerk politics". In the end we are all supposed to feel better, but nothing was accomplished.

You know what happens when you call your legislator? NOTHING. Someone will answer, you tell them what you believe, and they will tell you, "I'll let the Senator (or Representative) know. Thank you for calling." You then become a mark in a book (maybe). But no one will call you back, until they want money.

Well, I'm done with it, and I'm not going to give one more dime to any of the so called gay rights groups. I'm not going to campaign for another President or legislator. I'm a gay activist. Sometimes, that means making them earn your support. They haven't done that. None of them.

And when Don't Ask Don't Tell is repealed, the hate crimes law is passed, and the Defense of Marriage Act goes down in flames, ALL OF THESE BILLS will be passed because it made someone look good, or money changed hands, or it garnered votes because "now is the time for equality."

Is there ever a time when equality should not see the light of day? Apparently yes; when it won't be popular and no one will gain political points for it.

The Gift of Forgiving Others

I heard a few days ago that Nancy Reagan had fallen and had been hospitalized. I felt bad for her. It occurred to me that when her husband, Ronald Reagan had died, I wrote about his passing. I was angry that so much was being made about a man that very selectively helped people. But people change with age. Ronald Reagan later, after leaving the presidency, said that he should have done more for people with AIDS. You bet he should have. They were Americans. And, while he was President, Nancy urged him to do more for people with AIDS, probably because her hair dresser came down with AIDS. No, I'm not making this up. Very self serving people. And perhaps the late President Reagan only wanted to help people with AIDS because, being from the entertainment industry, he knew some people with AIDS. But, he didn't use his power to help them until he was out of office. Or, until it was politically safe for him to do so. So, when he showed up at a rally to show support, he shouldn't have been surprised that an AIDS activist shouted at him (and I'm paraphrasing here because I don't have the exact quote), "You've done enough already. We don't need your damn help." Those were my sentiments as well. So now, why do I feel sorry for Nancy Reagan? I suppose for the same reason that Jane Fonda should be forgiven for being photographed in 1972 sitting in a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft tank. She stated on 60-minutes concerning the event, "I will go to my grave regretting that. The image of Jane Fonda, Barbarella, Henry Fonda's daughter, just a woman sitting on a enemy aircraft gun, was a betrayal. It was like I was thumbing my nose at the military. And at the country that gave me privilege. It was the largest lapse of judgment that I can even imagine. I don't thumb my nose at this country. I care deeply about American soldiers." Some people will never find forgiveness in their hearts. It's just not what they are made of. But my experience is that age changes your perspectives on life, issues, and people. People make mistakes and attitudes on issues change over time. It's important to understand that and it's important to put it into a context of time. It used to be "ok" with most people that gay bars were routinely raided by the police. In those days, it was really the only place to go to meet other gay people. Why go to gay bars? Because you felt so damned isolated. Most people saw little wrong with the police ruffing up some gays. And the people who went out and beat up gay people were never prosecuted. And if a gay person was murdered in the process, the police looked the other way many times. Indeed, the defense attorneys for the two boys convicted of the murder of Matthew Sheppard thought at first that their case was very strong because no jury in Wyoming would convict someone who killed a gay person. Why did they feel this way? Because it happened all the time. The same can be said of the plight of African Americans. But looking back on those times, I believe that most people today find it unacceptable that many gay people (dare I say most?) today live with an element of fear every single day. Most find the practice of gay bashing unacceptable, unless you're Ann Coulter, and feel that it should be prosecuted. They don't quite yet believe that gays deserve federal protection from job discrimination or hate crimes, but at the local and state level, I see more of these crimes being prosecuted all the time. I guess that's why I'm willing to go to Idaho to see my family. But I do realize that outside the largest city of Boise, if people know that I'm gay, the risk I run or being gay bashed rises exponentially. It's a risk for me. I'm too old to lie to people anymore, or to give a damn. If someone has a problem with me, they won't have to try and figure out if I'm gay if they are too stupid to figure it out on their own. I'll simply tell them. I have to if I want to keep my personal pride and integrity. I didn't used to be this way. I used to be scared when we lived in San Francisco. I remember being harassed many times while we lived in San Francisco. On one occasion, we left our apartment and were walking towards Market Street. Some schmuck started following us. He shouted, "Hey, are you two homosexuals?" We kept walking, but started walking faster. I asked Kent, "Should we stop?" We kept going. Then we heard the man say, "Are you two faggots? I'm talking to you!" By the time he said that, we were passing five other guys who witnessed this. They started talking to the guy to find out what his problem was. We kept walking. But then I heard shouting from a distance as a fight started. Over the years, I've wondered what happened, and I now regret living in that fear. Today, I would go back to the fight and finish it. I guess the bottom line is, people have to learn to forgive others so that they themselves can move on, and grow. I've grown tired of being angry at people for wrongs they have done against me. Time, and a changing of attitudes will do more to those who oppress us than I could ever do. Time will do for marriage equality for gay couples what it did for slavery for African Americans. I wish Nancy Reagan all the best and a speedy recovery. Sometimes I think the real lesson of life is letting go of crap that doesn't matter, and simply living.

Thought for Today

More reading...

Stupid People

I’ll get to stupid people in a minute.... but first a brief update....

We went to the Connecticut Opera Saturday night. We had a great time. We went to the pre-opera dinner, hosted by Max (a very nice, as in really nice, chain here in the Hartford area). Wine flowed freely, with a nice dinner, complete with the conductor visiting and giving a talk on the Hartford connection to the opera we were going to hear that night, Puccini’s Tosca. It turned out to be a very nice product.

For some reason, we were thought to be very high-standing patrons of the opera. At least, we sat at the table where the President of the Board of the Connecticut Opera sat. I actually had a great time. He asked how I got into opera, and I shared my childhood experiences of going to the “dam park” (yeah, just below a dam with a big water spill), putting out my blanket on a sunny Saturday afternoon, turning on my radio, and listening to Live From The Met, where I heard the really big voices of yesteryear, in real time no less!

Why did I do this? To escape my life at the time (and no, I didn’t share that with him). It was kind of like this for me...

I’m in a lot of trouble in the Evangelical community these days because there’s a group of oppressed people that I tend to love. And it’s a group of people that everybody’s upset with these days... But let me just say this. I was in high school. And there was a boy in high school who everybody picked on because we found out he was gay. We mocked him, we ridiculed him—you know what high school kids can do when they find out that somebody’s gay. We humiliated him in every way we could think of. On Fridays when the other boys went into the showers following gym, he would never go in—he was afraid. And when we came out with our wet towels, we whipped them at him and stung his little body.

I wasn’t there the day they took Roger and pushed him into the corner of that tile shower, and as he wrapped himself up like a fetus, five guys urinated all over him. He went home, and that night, went to bed, got up at two o’clock in the morning, went down to the garage, and he hung himself. And I knew I wasn’t a Christian. (source)

Except, of course, I didn’t kill myself over it. It was all timing really. Given six more months, since my terrible secret of me being gay was getting out to the good citizens of Emmett, and starting to circulate through the high school, I suppose I wouldn’t be here writing this today. The timing was that I was a graduating senior. I received my diploma and went off to college to escape my fate at their hands, unlike the boy described above. But I have to tell you, the last two weeks of my school year were a bit scary... watching where I was at... staying in a public place... leaving school late after I was sure everyone had left. You know, today, I don’t really feel anything at all about that. Don’t get me wrong. I do everything I can for gay teens in distress, but I’m finding that there are less and less of them all the time.

As gays meld into the broader population, places like West Hollywood and the Castro district in San Francisco will inevitably lose some of their appeal. As more gays come out in more places, the diversity of homosexual politics and lifestyles will come out with them, and the tolerant will multiply.

For some of the pioneers from the edgy, embattled, ecstatic “good old days,” this may be bittersweet. “But isn’t that what everyone wanted 20 years ago?” Gates asks. “Just to be treated like everyone else?” (source)

I think that’s a good thing. I know some people feel that we are losing our identity, and perhaps we are a bit. I don’t know if you’ve visited The Castro lately, but it’s certainly not what it was 25 years ago. But in the greater scheme of things, what is really happening is that we are finally able to become whole people with out “the gay thing” defining us. For me, that has meant that I’ve become less directly involved with “gay rights”, although I still support many gay rights causes and organizations. It has also made me more interested in all the other things that are waiting out there for me, such as hiking, photography, music, and art. I know they were always there for me, but when you are defined by society by your sexuality alone, that becomes your definition, and your worst fear. Today, in America at least, sexual orientation is becoming more and more a non-issue. Indeed, many of the people who in 2004 were so against gay marriage, are now changing their views, largely because people feel they can be themselves and are coming out more.

So.... back to stupid people. This morning I’m on my way to work. I stop at a stop light just before turning off on the road that eventually leads me to the freeway. At the corner are about six people holding signs that read, “I want lower taxes. I’M VOTING REPUBLICAN!”

I wanted to take a photo, but the light was pour, it was raining like hell (so I kind of felt sorry for them), so I just continued on. But on my way to work, I started thinking about the irony of it all. These people want lower taxes so they are voting Republican?

The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan could cost as much as $2.4 trillion through the next decade, the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office said Wednesday. The White House brushed off the analysis as “speculation.”

The estimate was the most comprehensive and far-reaching one to date. It factored in costs previously not counted and assumed that large number of forces would remain in the regions. (source)

I guess I’d like to know just who they feel will pay for the $2.4 trillion? We will, through taxes because that’s the only way the federal government has to raise money. So maybe they should have voted Democrat in 2004? Just a thought.

And I also wish the Democrats would “grow some” and, as Nancy Reagan once said, “JUST SAY NO!” to the current administration on spending.

Decency versus Free Speech

After seven days, Maryland jurors smote the Westboro Baptist Church and its leaders Wednesday, awarding a grieving father nearly $11 million after anti-gay protests disturbed his Marine son’s funeral.

The father, Albert Snyder of York, Pa., sobbed when the verdict was read in U.S. District Court. Members of the Topeka church listened with tight-lipped smiles to the findings that they had invaded Snyder’s privacy with intent to inflict emotional distress.

The federal jury first awarded $2.9 million in compensatory damages. It returned in the afternoon with its decision to award $6 million in punitive damages for privacy loss and $2 million for distress. (source)

I grew up in a time when you did things for people. Instead of going to the mall (actually, we didn’t have malls in those days, we simply had little stores that specialized in clothing or whatever), we helped people out. If a neighbor was in trouble, we would offer our support, and our support was more than just words. Our support came in the form of helping that neighbor through deeds. If a funeral procession went by, you stopped and put your right hand over your heart and faced the funeral procession as they passed, out of respect for the family and the deceased. It was the proper and decent thing to do. And today, I still do that.

Today, our culture has changed a great deal, and not all in a good way. Yes, there have been some positive changes, such as more tolerance for despised minority groups. Somewhere in our fight for free speech, which we’ve had for a very long time, some of us it would seem have lost sight that there are times when it’s simply better to keep your mouth shut. Being able to say something does not mean that you should say it. But now days, more often than not it seems, people don’t give two cents about the other individuals feelings. Feelings are so politically correct after all, and politically correct seems to be going out of fashion.

I understand all of that, but whatever happened to just simple, every day, common decency? I’m glad that Fred Phelps disgusting group of thugs got hit big time with this settlement. He boasted afterwards, “Oh, it will take about five minutes to get that thing reversed.” Perhaps, but I would hope that Phelps, and a lot of the rest of us, would come away with two points from all of this...

1) Just because you can say something doesn’t mean that you should say it, out of consideration for others.
2) You do have free speech. But, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t consequences to that free speech.

Nothing is free. If you want to say certain things, there could be actions taken against you. This is what has happened to the Westboro Baptist Church. Their actions caught up with them. So, my hope is that the appeal will fail, and they will be liable to pay these costs, which they are financially unable to do. I’m told that their combined net worth is around one million dollars. I don’t return their hate by saying this. I simply hope it will stick because without money, there’s not a hell of a lot they can do.

And while I’m on the subject of decency, I suppose it’s worth a mention that this group has done the same thing for many years at the funerals of gay men who died of AIDS, and of course, they picketed the funeral of Matthew Shepard. America never cared about this activity until the group started targeting something more near and dear to the hearts of America; their straight sons who died in war were now being picketed at their funerals. How dare they? Pick on the gays, but not us. My un-Christian attitude on this is, “What goes around comes around”, but that’s not me. I’m more along the lines of, “Now you know how we felt.”

This is worth mention because this is precisely why the Phelps clan decided to stop picketing the funerals of gay men, and started targeting a larger and more sensational audience, dead soldiers. And it’s interesting to note the change that has taken place in the verbiage of the signs of this church.

From this....

To this....

They want the press coverage, and this is one way to get that. They have a right to their opinions and they have a right to express those opinions, but in my opinion, we have to find a way for them to have their freedom of speech, however vile we may think their message is, without them inflicting emotional damage on others. Picketing funerals crosses the line of decency. The emotional toll these people inflicted upon these families is what this settlement was about. The only difference is, they used words instead of a hammer. Had they used a hammer to do the same damage, they would have been prosecuted

Do we want any and all free speech at the expense of decency and a respect for what families are going through when they are simply trying to get through the hell of laying their son to rest? Somewhere, something went terribly wrong.

The End of Gay Culture

Slowly but unmistakably, gay culture is ending. You see it beyond the poignant transformation of P-town: on the streets of the big cities, on university campuses, in the suburbs where gay couples have settled, and in the entrails of the Internet. In fact, it is beginning to dawn on many that the very concept of gay culture may one day disappear altogether. By that, I do not mean that homosexual men and lesbians will not exist--or that they won’t create a community of sorts and a culture that sets them in some ways apart. I mean simply that what encompasses gay culture itself will expand into such a diverse set of subcultures that “gayness” alone will cease to tell you very much about any individual. The distinction between gay and straight culture will become so blurred, so fractured, and so intermingled that it may become more helpful not to examine them separately at all. (source)

Isn’t this what we want? Gay culture existed simply because society labeled us as “gay” or “queer”, along with many other names, to separate us. And we in turn, separated and splintered off from the rest of society. In many parts of the country, this is still very much the case. But in some parts of the country, such as Connecticut and Massachusetts, it’s much less so. I no longer feel a need to be anything other than myself. I’m no longer gay. I’m a person who is many things, and one of those things that’s not very high on my list, is being gay. The reason it’s not high on my list is precisely because it’s not very high on the list of my state. Connecticut has said that gay citizens are equal (aside from denying us marriage). We are protected in our jobs, and against hate crimes. So I don’t have to spend time worrying about all of that stuff. I can feel more a part of society. Surely most gay people would think this is a good thing. I remember when I was gay first, and I also remember that life sucked when I had to do that because my world was very small. I had to watch what I said to people, especially about my personal life. Now, either I don’t feel the need to do that anymore, or I’ve become so comfortable in my skin that I just don’t care anymore what people think. I think it’s more the latter.

Now, there is only one issue that I deal with. I’ve moved on from the marriage issue. I’ve had to at least try to let it go. But you see, the problem is, marriage is still the area in society where we are still queer. And, it’s the one place that society uses to keep us separated. Marriage is doing to us today what the gay ghetto did to us yesterday. The only difference is that one was geography and one is a state of mind. And it’s powerful.

A dear friend of mine recently got married. I very much wanted to be there for her. I simply could not bring myself to do that. I wish her all the happiness in the world, but I can not give my blessing to something that has become so utterly painful for me to endure. I’ve boycotted other weddings as well, and, I’m not alone.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this summer to my fiancée of five years, “Beth.” I had always assumed that my brother, “Mike,” who is also my best friend, would be my best man. Mike is gay.

When I asked him, I was stunned at his response. Mike said he loves me and Beth, but refuses to be part of a ceremony celebrating something for which he is discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially. He refuses even to attend.

Now that I have been forced to confront this issue, I realize my brother is right. Beth thinks he should “get over it,” and he needs to accept that it’s just “the way things are in the world.”

As hurt as I am, I can’t hold against my brother his refusal to participate in what he refers to as a “reminder that he is considered a second-class citizen without the same civil rights” as I have.

How can I handle this without turning it into something that could overshadow what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WESTLAKE, OHIO

That’s exactly how I feel every damn time I get a wedding announcement in the mail. First, it’s a reminder that I am considered a second-class citizen with every word on the announcement. Then, I go through the feeling of, “How dare they send something so absolutely thoughtless to me?” Then, I go through the guilt of not being there for them.

I understand that they are happy and want to include us in the celebration. But I honestly would rather not be invited at all, without any explanation, than to get this reminder of where I stand in society. Believe me, I know. I don’t need the expensive little printed announcement telling me. I get it already.

I wish my friends all the happiness in the world. I wish I could share those thoughts and feelings with them without the wall of crap that society has put between us. I honestly don’t think I’ll get over feeling this way. I don’t dwell on it, until I’m sent a reminder. I work hard and do my job. I love my photography. I stay as positive in life as I can. I’ve had to leave this issue behind so I can be happy.

Every action has a reaction. I suppose that is one way of looking at it. My reaction is revulsion of getting a wedding announcement in the mail. It’s that same feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after being told that you are being fired because your gay. There wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it then. Today, it’s the same thing with marriage. We are discriminated against emotionally, financially and socially, and we are supposed to be ok with that and “get over it”? It doesn’t work that way. Not for me. For me, marriage, something that was once thought to be a celebration of joy, has been turned into little more than a political football, which incidentally, fails 50% of the time.

Except in this football game, there are no winners. Just losers.

The “gay culture” hasn’t quite ended yet. There’s still marriage, and most of the states can still fire you for being gay. And as long as some of us are willing to “be patient” and let some queers (transgendered folks) continue to be discriminated against, yeah, we’ll still have a gay ghetto...

Being transgender is not the same as being lesbian or gay. This fact, coupled with the reality that a portion of the diverse transgender community identifies as heterosexual rather than queer, begs the question of why we should consider ourselves to be one community and postpone our rights to protect people who are not lesbian or gay. I believe that we are one community because the majority of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people have consciously come together to work as one community. The reality is that the larger society views all of us who deviate from the heterosexual norm where biological females partner with biological males as “queers.” Moreover, there is for each of us a relationship between our sexual orientation and the ways that we feel compelled to express ourselves and our gender identities.

So, while a sexual orientation only ENDA would prevent me from being fired (or not hired) because my partner is another woman, I could still be denied a job as a lawyer because I never wear make-up, always wear “mannish” business suits and am (apparently) a little butch. In San Francisco, maybe this is not such an issue—but what if I lived in Tallahassee?

At this stage in our history, anti-discrimination legislation that intentionally excludes protection based upon gender identity and expression is bad civil rights strategy that undermines progress on the ground and is not worth the moral compromise and divisiveness that it brings. (source)

For the same reason I can’t go to a wedding and put on a happy face, I also can not go along with discrimination against another segment of society that could be stopped with the Employment Non-Discrimination Act. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, I’ll have nothing to do with it. And the people in our community who say stupid things like “we need to take baby steps...”, need to realize that it’s real easy to forget those on the other side of the fence who don’t have those rights after we’ve been granted those rights (assuming ENDA passes this time around).

I will not take baby steps on this for the same reason I will no longer attend weddings. If transgendered people are excluded from ENDA, then ENDA should die. There is nothing to compromise here, except of course, our principles.

A Death Threat

I don’t even know what to do with this. This was a comment left on my blog tonight. I’m thinking of calling the police. Am I over reacting?

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I talked to the police about it. They wanted to see the comment. I printed out the comment, with the IP address and the email address. I also did an IP trace on it and found out that it is a Comcast IP. I called Comcast and talked with their Internet Department. They would not act on it and suggested I call my "local authorities". So, I did. I turned over to them this morning a screen print of the comment that you see above, without the email address blotted out, the IP trace, which has a location in Potomac, Maryland, and the map showing the exact location of the IP.

I talked with a police sargent who stated that because it is from another state, there is very little they can do about it. He wanted to keep the printout and asked that if I get anymore from this individual, that I report it immediately. He thought it was just someone trying to rile me, and didn't think it would occur again. But then again, you never know. Troubling.

The Joys of Traveling

Anthony Niedwiecki and Waymon Hudson reported that while they were waiting for their baggage, someone read a passage from the Bible over the PA system, Leviticus 20:13, which calls for the death of gay people.

“We have received a lot of very hateful messages directed towards us,” Niedwiecki said. “Any names that you can think of have been thrown at us.”

Airport officials said 23-year-old Jethro Monestine confessed and said it was meant as a prank.

“I want to apologize to the couple that were around when the message played,” Monestine said. “I also want to apologize to anyone that was hurt because I didn’t mean what I did.”

“To me, if this was a prank, it wouldn’t involve a death threat,” Hudson said. (source)

I would probably have freaked out also if a passage from the Old Testament calling for the death of homosexuals was playing over the PA system at the airport. I guess you just never know what to expect anymore in the world. I just thought this story was amazing.

Other sources
Miami Herald