Bill and Kent's Place

Life Onward

I've been away for awhile, from blogging that is. Life has gotten in the way. I think that's the way it should be, rather than blogging getting in the way. But sometimes, it's good to reflect on what's been happening in one's life. I write far less than I used to, but it just seems that there's so much going on with me today that's more important. I've clearly changed.

Don't get me wrong. I do enjoy writing. It's just that other things have taken a greater role in my life.

I've written in the past about all that I've been going through with my brother, and his health problems. All of this has taken my life in a totally different direction that I could not have imagined. To every single thing in life, there is a negative, and a positive. Everything must absolutely equal out. Sometimes, in the face of darkness, we forget that.

I was so immersed in helping my brother that all I could see was the negative. Him going through the same surgery that I went through had a profound effect on me, him, and more than that, our relationship. There was a time when we were distant islands, not wanting much to do with each other. And now, I feel closer to him than anyone in my family. People have told me that in a crisis, I put things aside and deal with it. I do what needs to get done. Whether that has to do with cutting through red tape, talking to counselors and doctors to get to the truth, I do that well with a cool head.

In two weeks, I had planned to go to Idaho to see him, in his home. He planned on having a dinner at his home to thank everyone who helped with his home-makeover. And it seemed that I was one of the stars that made that happen. I'm not comfortable being in that position because it's not my nature. But, if it makes him happy, I'm all for it.

I used to think, and still do, that my aunt was always the strong one in our family. Now, I see her in myself. Last night I received a call from a cousin of mine in Idaho. My brother was taken again by ambulance to the VA hospital in Boise with what he thought was another heart attack. I listened to what she had to say. She said that he was very down and depressed. All I could say was, "CHRIST!!!". I sat back on a sofa in my living room just stunned. She said, "Bill, you need to call him because I'm worried about him. I've never seen him this down." I told her I would in an hour or so when I got my head around it.

I first called the cardiac wing and identified myself and told them that I was the person listed as being in charge of his medical directive. After they looked and confirmed that, they told me what was going on. He was on bed rest and they had to wait for six or so hours to find out what had happened because they were waiting for an enzyme test to complete. They would know more in the morning.

Another aunt called and said, "Bill, you need to talk to Mike. He's asking for you but can't figure out how to dial out with the pin they gave him." She said, "We can't get him out of this depression. I told her, "I can, but I have to get my head together." I hung up, and cried a bit.

I then called him. He answered, and I said, "Hey man, you are killing my buzz here. What the hell! You have to stop doing this crap to me." He started laughing. We talked for a good half hour. My cousin stopped by, the one who called me first. I told him to visit with her and I'd call him back in forty-five minutes. I did, and we talked more. After that, he was back on track again.

Today, they sent him back to Seattle VA to run tests. Some test that involves cobra venom (no, I'm not kidding). Apparently, it's a new test that came out. As it turns out, the cobra venom, administered after a special die is inserted into the body, can trace where blood is flowing, and where it's not flowing, with the use of a special camera that can monitor this. Truly amazing actually. In essence, it tracks what is not allowing blood to flow, and also where blood if flowing.

According to this test, he never had a heart attack. Good news because that means the heart is not damaged. The bad news is that the lower ventricle of the heart is not pumping blood as it should. It also indicated that the two arteries used in the bypass are not doing their job. So now, we are in a holding pattern.

I told him that I'd keep my tickets for Boise in two weeks. If he's there, that's where I'll stop. If he's in Seattle, I'll get a ticket from Boise onward to Seattle. One way or the other, I told him I would see him in just under two weeks. That's where things stand now. It's a roller coaster ride.

On other fronts, Kent bought a new car last weekend. A Honda hybrid, which he loves so far. It's a nice looking car. We also bought a video camera and are having fun creating our own movies. So far, Maxwell (my cat) is the star. But who knows, I may start doing video entries of this instead of the written word. I need a makeup and wardrobe department! And if I can become a hybrid clone of Julia Roberts and Anderson Cooper, I'll have it made. Wonder if makeup can do all of that? yeah....

That's it for now friends. Thanks to everyone who's sent me letters and kept in touch. It makes a big difference.

Oh, and about that thing I was talking about, "To every single thing in life, there is a negative, and a positive.", the positive is that this has brought me back to my family again. We seem to have done the impossible. The years that separated us have somehow gone away. And being gay just doesn't seem important to anyone anymore.

Maybe this is my brother's gift to me.

Wii Me

Yes, I'm still around. So many things have been happening that it's all I can do to keep up.

My brother is settled for the time being in Boise at a rehab center at the VA hospital. He was doing ok until a week or so ago when they noticed blot clots that had accumulated in his lungs. So, that was a set-back for him. He had to stop walking and doing his exercises, which is a big problem when you are trying to gain strength back. They were afraid that by walking, one of the clots would discharge and travel somewhere else in his body. This is how people die from blood clots.

Then, I talked to my cousin who said that they were going to release him to go home in a week. That's when I called the hospital to talk to them. After a bit of cutting through the bureaucracy (I'm getting good at that), I talked to his social worker, who coordinates with the doctors when the release will happen. I talked to her about the very obvious (to me at least); What if he falls? How is he going to get groceries when he can't even drive? And if he gets groceries, he's not yet able to cook for himself. Do you realize that he lives alone with very little support? And the best one of all; How on earth can you think of a release date when he has blood clots ANYWHERE? It honestly just amazes me.

She assured me he wouldn't be released until they thought he was ready and that these dates change all the time based on how he's doing from day to day. I understand that, but I told her that for them to even be thinking of a release date when he has blood clots is "crazy. I'm not even a doctor, and I know that much!" I can be emotional at times. But it's really just common sense.

She said they will give him a "life line" to wear. That's one of those necklace devices that you can push if you need help (you will probably know them by "...help!!!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"). Also, they will arrange for someone to come by every other day or so to check in on him and help him with certain things. I'm looking at meals on wheels, or some program like that.

Other than that, things are looking up in other areas. We remodeled his house completely. It's a home makeover, and I mean TOP TO BOTTOM; fixed the roof, new flooring/carpeting, new flat screen TV, and the HD antenna goes up soon, new bed, new bathroom, new paint. If he can live alone, I think he'll be all set. I'm thinking of going out to get him situated if I get enough of a warning. The way the VA works, they will come in one morning and say, "We're letting you go today."

On the home front, I'm doing pretty well. Work has been more stressful lately, and that messes up my body. I just can't take stress anymore. I saw my cardiologist last Thursday, and he's concerned that I'm pushing myself too much, and that I'm feeling so much fatigue in the afternoons-evenings - something that I've learned to live with. I can see his concern, but I don't think he understands the stress levels I'm at. He ordered a blood test, and a stress test - routine things. It's a good thing. I want to know where I'm at now. He said the heart sounds quite strong and normal.

As far as work is concerned, I'm thinking of working it out so I work at home two days a week and go in three days. I think that will cut down on the stress levels. I'll still be online with them and will still have the deadlines, but I won't have people dropping by all the time with their issues that they could just as well schedule out. It's not as good for them, but it's better for me. The only thing I really know is, I'm not going to kill myself for this job.

Wedding day seems set. We are having it on October 15th, which just happens to also be Kent's birthday. Some family members would like to come, and others don't. It's become so complicated on how to handle that, that we are leaning towards a private wedding - just the two of us and maybe a few close friends. After that, we'll probably go down to Mystic Seaport for the weekend, or maybe to Cambridge, MA. We'll choose one of them (as opposed to Maine), because Connecticut and Massachusetts see us as equal, where Maine does not. On this day of all days, that's important to us.

One thing that I have become painfully aware of, is that our wedding is not just a wedding to most people. It is a political statement. No matter how open minded people are, they will always see two men or two women getting married as different. They will see them differently than they would a straight couple. I'm not saying that makes them bad people. I'm saying that for us to expect them to see our wedding as a simple wedding, is a reach. Maybe in 50-100 years that will happen, but not now. I'm ok with that. It is what it is, and it takes people time to change, perhaps it takes a generation who grow up with it, that much time to change.

I bought a Wii today. I'm not so interested in the games, although I may try some of the exercise routines it offers. I've noticed lately that when I go to my Netflix queue, more and more movies offer "View Instantly", as opposed to waiting to get the CD to arrive in the mail. And the Wii makes that happen. It talks to Netflix apparently and you can do it all right from there if you have the Netflix disc (waiting for it to arrive). I'm very much into instant gratification and if I can just press a button on my TV screen and watch the movie, well, that's just cool!

Sip

Today was rough.

I got to the hospital around 9:30 in the morning. I expected my brother to be somewhat alert today. I found him in bed with a breathing mask on. Two doctors and a nurse were around him. The night before had been rough. Pain levels were very high. Pain management medications were used to relieve his pain. He got very little sleep.

Powerful pain medications come with a risk. In this case, the risk was to the lungs that had filled with fluid. This is a risk for all bypass patients. It happened to Mike. It also happened to me. When I got there, he was responsive. He was able to move his feet and hands, going in and out of consciousness. He had a sealed breathing mask on, forcing oxygen-rich air into his lungs. The carbon dioxide was way too high, and as the morning went on, he lost the ability to move his feet or hands. Even I couldn't get through to him. At one point, five people were working on him.

They had administered Lasix (furosemide) to get rid of the fluid build up - first directly in his IV, and then in IV drip. The computer showed a decrease in breathing volume and CO2 was still very high. Eventually, he went unconscious. They removed the drainage tubes in an effort to give him more room to breath. They increased the aggressiveness of the breathing machine. I watched as it painfully pushed air into his lungs.

I had to leave.

I returned, and signs of optimism started showing. They couldn't get through to him, but I could. I demanded that he wake up, that he talk to me. I guess I didn't realize it, but I was yelling at him, the nurse told me later. I honestly don't remember what I said now, but whatever it was, he opened his eyes and asked me when they were going to do the operation. I heard the doctor say, "...this is good!" I fought back tears as I told him, "Honey, we are past that. I need you to fight your way back to me." He tried like hell to keep his eyes open, and he did.

They were reviewing his readings on the half hour, and finally the doctor said, "This is looking good. CO2 is down." He then talked to Mike. Mike opened his eyes. He asked him to move his legs. He did.

I told him around 6:00 that I was leaving, but was only minutes away if he needed me. I left the hospital and made the usual calls to family members that I never talk to otherwise.

On my way back to the hotel, I passed this place called Sip. It was only a block away from my hotel. I parked the car, and walked to Sip. After walking up a ramp for what seemed to be a quarter of a mile, all laced with bottles of different wines, I entered a very nice restaurant. The band was just warming up.

I ordered a martini. It was brought to my table with bread, and butter. But not just butter. This butter was sliced thin on the plate, maybe a quarter of an inch thick if that, with little grooves in it. It was unsalted butter, yet, you could see on the surface, granules of sea salt here and there. It was intriguing enough to get even me to try it.

I had a nice simple salad. I wanted the four-beet salad (seem to have a love for beets lately), but, it came with cheese. So I opted for a simple salad without the goat cheese that came with the beet salad.

Salmon is a big thing now in Seattle. It's salmon season. Something about the spawning and some river ... whateva... I ordered the salmon, which was served with rice, a home made chutney, with a slaw made up of a lemon dressing, slaw, with cilantro. It was actually quite festive and wonderful. To go with it, I ordered a glass of a equally festive Sauvignon Blank from New Zealand.

I love the place. So many different types of people there. Actually, I would swear that I spotted Blanche DuBois and John Holmes there - though not at the same table. That would just be wrong in so many ways.

The band starts, and the place comes alive. So many attractive people living life.

I needed this!

Distant Family

This visit to Seattle has been truly very challenging for me. The soul purpose of my coming to Seattle was to help my brother through his heart bypass surgery. I felt that with my experience with it, I might be able to help him.

Seattle is such a beautiful city. And yet, I just don't have the motivation to do anything here that is "fun". I have gone to a couple of nice restaurants, and I went to Pike Place Market tonight, but I'm here first and foremost for my brother.

Yesterday, as the doors closed as he entered the cardiac surgical unit, he said loudly, "I love you Bill", as though he felt it was the last time he would see me. I said, "I love you too." I was strong as I always am. The doors shut, and I started crying. He was scared. I knew what he was feeling.

And then, the operation. Hours of waiting. And finally, after waiting almost six hours, a cardiac surgeon comes to find me. Mike was going to have triple bypass. That was the plan. He flew up to Seattle three weeks ago to have this procedure done. They sent him back home to Boise, Idaho and scheduled the procedure for 5-6 weeks from now. Two weeks ago, he had a major heart attack.

Then, at 10:00 on a Monday morning, his cardiologist in Boise had a follow-up appointment with Mike, only to find out that the reason he didn't show up for the appointment was because he had a heart attack the night before. His cardiologist had a melt down according to the nurses present. The outcome of that was that Mike was on a medevac to Seattle within the hour for heart bypass. That's how fast it all happened. It's amazing how fast the government can move when someone lights a fire under them. In civilian life, this would be called a lawsuit. With the government, it's called "red tape" - a loss in communications or understanding, whatever you want to call it.

So he came to Seattle, and I came to Seattle to go through this with him. Last night, I went in to see him, and it was strange for me. Almost a year ago, this was me in that bed, all wired up and on a ventilator. Now, it's my brother. He was to have triple bypass, but because of his heart attack, they could only do double bypass, just like my operation. It would seem that we now have more in common.

This morning I went to see him. The cardiac nurse was there. I asked Mike how he felt. He said, "I feel like Hell." I asked, "Are you in pain?" He replied, "I've never felt pain like this except for my heart attack." I asked the cardiac nurse if pain management was being used. He replied that just before I came in, they had him out of bed for his walk, all of five feet. That's like a marathon to a new bypass patient. I was proud of him. The cardiac nurse also said that they had to withdraw pain management because of the importance of getting him up for his walk and for his lung treatments, which makes him cough and causes a lot of pain.

The nurse then said that he had been sick from the pain medication. I asked what they gave him. He replied, "Oxycodone." I asked, "What's his tolerance for Morphine?" He replied, "He tolerates Morphine well without so much nausea." I asked what the upper limits were for dosage. He replied, "We could go four units." I said, "Let's give him two, along with anti-nausea medication." He asked, "Are you a doctor?" I said, "Well, let just say that I'm very familiar with what he's going through." The nurse prepared two units of Morphine, and injected it into his IV.

I told Mike, "Mike, the air conditioning is going off for awhile. Tell me when it gets warm." Two minutes later he replied, "It's hot in here." I told him, "It will cool off soon, in about a minute." And so it did. And, he looked at me and said, "I'd trust you with my life.... I love you... we have both been on a long journey and didn't like each other for so long...", struggling to keep his eyes open, and then crying. I asked him, "How is your pain doing." He said, "It seems to be better now and they finally got the air on." Then he said, "I think I'm going to throw up, I'm sorry." I put his bed up, and got ready for it and said, "Don't be sorry, just go with it, let it happen."

Then he got better after the anti-nausea medication kicked in. From there on out, it was him fighting to stay awake, with much less pain. I told him to close his eyes and go to sleep. He said, "I'd trust you with my life." I told him, "You can trust all of these people with your life. They are good people." He asked me if I had someone around when I went through this. He said, "It's so lonely." I said, "Yes, I had my family around me. And you do too." He closed his eyes, and went to sleep.

I asked the cardiac nurse to maintain the Morphine level as needed. He said, "It will make him weepy for the time you are here." I said, "It's just until the worst is over, the next day or two. There's no need for him to remember any of this in such raw detail."

I left and came back to my hotel in downtown Seattle. I decided to go to Pikes Place Market to this little restaurant called IL Bistro.

Tomorrow is another day. It would seem that distant family is not so distant after all.

Some Tough Times Ahead

I'm so glad warmer weather is here. I know I haven't written anything for awhile, but personal issues have distracted me. I always try to balance life with the good and the not-so-good. Everyone has that stuff in their life.

Do you ever think of your life as a story that's unfolding, day by day? Or, as many do, do you just go through life a day at a time and not really think too much about that unfolding story. You'd be surprised at how many people never really take in life. To do that, you have to see the bigger picture and see your life as a story that you're living in the here and now.

When I went through my heart bypass, I was for the most part, in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, a man who was actually quite healthy. I had never had any major health issues of any kind. I went through a period of depression that required medication over a decade ago, but then I got back to normal. And then, last year, I had to go through bypass. And I asked myself, "Why is this happening to me?"

Yes I know... it could have been worse. There are a lot of things that with today's medical knowledge, are just not that treatable. Heart bypass is not one of them. It's become quite routine. That being said, it is rather a difficult thing to recover from; months of working hard to get your stamina back. At times, it seems like you will never quite be "you" again. But that does change. Today, I'm 90% back. I have days of feeling worn out, but they are getting fewer and fewer. And I must say, I love this new body of mine.

I'm not saying that I'm going to make an offer to Playgirl (or Playguy) magazine for a modeling gig just yet. I'm just saying that if I did that now, they wouldn't necessarily throw up at the idea. After all, I hear that tattoos and scars are becoming popular again. So who knows?

So the "why" I had to go through heart bypass may have two reasons. First, to save my life. Second, to prepare me for something that is yet to come.

On April 25, my brother had a major heart attack. They almost lost him. I guess I could see it coming. He had warning signs for a few months now. He's a veteran so he goes to the VA Hospital in Boise. They told him he would probably need a bypass and after tests, discovered that he will need a triple bypass. So what did they do? They gave him prescriptions for nitro pills to put under his tongue whenever he had chest pains. I was actually shocked at this. I understand giving him nitro pills. They did that for me as well, but I didn't have severe chest pains just by going out to my mailbox to get my mail. He would have to take a nitro pill just to do that, so he was taking many of these throughout the day. They told him it would be 5-6 weeks before they could get him to Seattle. Apparently, the VA does not do bypass surgery in Boise.

Then, the heart attack happened, and suddenly, he was medevaced to Seattle for observation. They confirmed the heart attack and said that he was lucky to be alive. He's actually in a nursing home now recuperating until next Tuesday when they will do the operation. The VA most likely has a contract with this facility because it costs less money. His heart needs time to heal. I could see this coming and I don't even have a medical license. But, as we've all learned in the health care debate, there's all different levels of health care. It took them a week to get me in, and months to get him in.

So next Sunday morning, I head to Seattle. And on Tuesday, he will receive a triple bypass. I don't know what his chances are. He doesn't have the underlying health that I had. He has smoked for 35 years and just quit a few weeks ago. He's a hundred pounds overweight and has never watched what he eats. And finally, he has full blown diabetes. With all of that going against him, I just don't know. I think it must mean that even with the risks involved, the doctors believe they have no choice.

I just hope that, if he makes it through the surgery, he will make a life style change. I did, and for me, it wasn't even that hard considering going through all of that again. It's going to be a long week next week. It will be just me and him, with no other support around. I'll have to be the strong one.

A Decision to Love Life

Friday is "bagel day" for us. Every single Friday, when Kent is home, we will go for bagels at Charlies. On my way to Charlies, I was listening to the radio where they were interviewing Carol Burnett of all people. She's elderly now, but I grew up with her, watching her show each week. You never knew what was going to happen. She's genuinely a person who has seen a lot. She talked about her daughter who was in rehab at age 18 who had gotten herself clean, sober, and drug free. And, at the age of 38, her daughter succumbed to cancer. Carol said that the nurses were always uplifted by being around her daughter. One of them asked her daughter how she was able to be so upbeat all the time. "Everyday I wake up, I make a decision to love my life." That's all. That was her attitude. When Carol mentioned that her daughter, bald head and all from all the chemotherapy, didn't mind going to the hospital, her daughter said that she loved returning to the hospital because the food was so fabulous. You have to have a sense of humor about it all. I've come to look at life a lot like that. Perhaps being faced with serious medical issues forces one to look at life in a completely different way. I no longer let work run my life. It does stress me out a bit, but I try to make room for things I enjoy. I've also stopped writing about political issues because quite frankly, they are a drag to write about when things are so bleak for the rights of gay couples. So many states have constitutional amendments against allowing marriage equality for gay couples. I've written about this at length. And even having all the legal papers is no guarantee that your relationship will be honored.

Langbehn not only had the three children she adopted with Pond with her at the Florida hospital, but she also carried with her a power of attorney and other legal documents to show that they were a couple. Langbehn was told by the hospital publicist that she was in an anti-gay state, and was forced to wait for eight hours in the waiting room. (source)

It appears that President Obama has made a rule change that will make these sorts of things change. Same sex partners will now be able to make medical decisions on behalf of their partners, if the hospital participates in Medicare or Medicaid. That covers just about every hospital in the country. This is huge. This is one of the things marriage covers, and it is one of the many reasons that we have decided to get married this Fall. Finally, the big reason I stopped talking so much about politics is simply that the movement for equality has taken on a life of it's own, and a lot of that has do to with lawsuits, more people coming out to their family and friends, and bloggers who relentlessly point out the inequalities in our nation. This is one big step towards equality. One thing leads to another. This removes one brick in the foundation of intolerance and bigotry. We will accomplish this one brick at a time, until the whole thing comes falling to the ground. And when that happens, the states will be forced to follow the full faith and credit clause of the U.S. Constitution. That's right Idaho... if my marriage is valid in Connecticut, YOU MUST HONOR IT, or secede from The Union. Either one works for me.

Back home

We are back from Yuma, Arizona and really enjoyed the warm weather there. It was around 75 most days and for the most part, sunny. Later in the week that we were there, we went to Ajo, Arizona, a sleepy little place that has little going for it. The people there are very poor and there's little there in terms of places to stay or eat. But, it's close to a place that we wanted to see, Organ Pipe National Monument.

Here are a few photos we took...

An organ pipe cactus

I've grown to like the beauty of the desert a great deal. And since my operation, I've become very sensitive to cold weather. I have less tolerance for it.

Health wise, I'm feeling good. I've lost about 50 pounds. My diet is completely different from the "old days" before my operation. I seem to be getting my energy back. I'm not quite like I was before, but I've reconciled myself with the fact that I may not get that back. As long as I pace myself, I'm fine. But gone are the days where I can put work first, and put in a twelve hour day without it having consequences.

The down side right now is that I have fluid in my right lung that seem to have the doctors more concerned than I am. I had to go in for another X-Ray today. They first noticed it before I went to Arizona. I had hoped that they dry air of Arizona would clear it up. But that didn't happen. It's not causing pain. I can breathe without effort. So what's the problem? Anyway, my doctor is consulting with my cardiologist who has stated that "the heart is involved" with this issue, whatever that means. And he is consulting with the cardiac surgeon about it. So, we'll see where it goes.

Other news... this issue of heart disease (took me a long time to come to terms with saying that I have heart disease) apparently runs in my family. I knew that. My father died of a heart attack when he was 47 years old back in 1961. Everyone attributed it to over work, but they didn't know much about it back then (keep in mind that this was in Emmett, Idaho).

But now, my brother is having issues. He's four years older than me. He's a veteran, so he's in the VA health care system. They flew him to Seattle to do an angiogram, just like me. And, they found that he has three blocked arteries and will have to go through a triple bypass. The difference is, he doesn't have the health that I did when I went in for bypass. That's about all I can say about it without violating his privacy. We've grown very close over the last few years and it's hard for me to see him go through this. I plan to go to Idaho again this summer, probably in June or July.

Priorities

I admit, I just haven't felt like writing in awhile. I've come to realize that a lot more has changed about me then just the physical. I've lost a lot of weight (a good thing I suppose). People at work keep telling me, "I just can't believe how much weight you've lost." That's true. In total since my operation last June, 47 pounds. And I've moved from and extra large shirt to a large.

Stamina is still somewhat of an issue for me. Yesterday I was spending time with someone at work trying to figure out a problem on his computer. I had a lot of other things going on as well. So, I was under a bit of stress. We were both sitting at the work bench and I rested my head on my hand and took this big long sigh. He told me I looked tired. I told him, "Right now, it's a bit tough. I have to conserve my energy." I used to wonder how long this would continue, but that too is a part of me that has changed. Perhaps it's better just to list them out...

1. I don't take anything at all for granted now because I know it could all end in the blink of an eye. That means me. It's ok though. I'm happy and I've found the most important thing one can have in life: love. I have no regrets.
   
2. I don't live for my job any longer. Much of my responsibility has been outsourced. I'm sure the company did that to protect themselves as well. But, it's allowed me to do what I'm able to do without sacrificing my well being.
3. I've stopped worrying about when I will get more stamina back. It will happen when if happens. If it doesn't, I'll do what I can to keep what I have. I'm not going to worry about it. Why worry about something you have little control over? I'll try to build it up the best I can, and that will have to be good enough.
   
4. My focus is on my body. To that end, I've drastically cut back on drinking, especially hard liquor. It's been replaced by the likes of pomegranate juice, Greek yogurt (sounds gross, but I love the texture), coffee, no more soda, very little meat. In fact, I'm practically vegetarian now and strangely enough, I don't miss meat much. There are so many amazing recipes that are vegetarian.
   
5. Focus on blood levels. Last blood test was out of the park for low cholesterol. Doctor was impressed and I wasn't even trying to get the cholesterol low. I was just doing my normal everyday diet.
   
6. I'm very grateful that I have a job! I am happy they kept me through all of this. But, in this economy, who knows what will happen. I've stopped worrying about that because I cannot effect the outcome.
7. Stress not! If I'm confronted with too much stress, I take a time out and walk away. If someone starts getting under my skin at work and I feel my blood pressure rising, I turn right around and walk away from the situation. I'm in control.
8. Total loss of interest in politics or social issues. That includes groups that seem to like to take my money to support "our issues", but never get anything done. I think all politicians are self centered worthless beings who only care about their own self interests and getting reelected, which is why our government is no longer working.
9. FINALLY, a loss of interest in writing. It's not that I don't like to write, but it's not a priority any longer, but don't give up on me. I'm working on that. Perhaps smaller, but more frequent updates? Maybe it's depression. I have quite a bit of that going on lately, but it's not going to stop me. But, I still have my bad days like everyone else I guess.

Those are just a few of the things. I do still drink wine, and in the evenings, I still have a bit of single malt Scotch once in awhile, but I've largely laid off martinis. Maybe I grew out of them. I learned an interesting tidbit on alcohol. Not only is it high in calories, but it also triggers a reaction in the body to stop burning fat. So it's a double whammy for weight gain. When I read that, my feeling was, "Screw that!"

The other thing I miss is having people over for dinner. Last Sunday, we had a few friends over for the first time since my operation last June. I still love doing it, but evenings can be a challenge for me, energy wise. So, we just have to plan it out a bit more. We prepare things that can be made ahead of time and serve things that don't take a lot of last minute preparation. Energy output done quickly just wipes me out. I guess I'm disappointed that I'm not bouncing back faster. I have to keep comparing where I am now to where I was a few months ago, so I can see progress.

Anyway, that's the update. I hope to write more soon.

Politics and "Man Talk"

POLITICS According to Glenn Beck, every man, woman, and child owes $340,000 to pay for the current federal deficit. I can't stand Glen Beck because he makes my head hurt. BUT, I do love to color of his eyes. HOWEVER, he needs to learn to use MOISTURIZERS! As Vladimir Horowitz once said about the importance of "spontaneity" in performance, "...that's very important...". Well, it's very important to use moisturizers. In addition, what the hell is going on with his hair? I should stop listening to Fox News ("fair and balanced"), but I'm a curious creature so I can't help myself. So, I listen and then feel like a moron for listening to them. Final note... he has fairly good fashion sense, which probably means he has some gay man dressing him. Oh geez, let's not go there! I've stopped tracking politics in general because 1) I'm generally disgusted with all of it and 2) I don't have the energy to worry about it anymore. But I will say this... there's a big difference between the Republicans who sit back and complain about our debt and how great things used to be (even though they created a great deal of our debt on Iraq, the war of choice -- yes, I know they want to forget that and blame Obama, but it's the TRUTH, DAMN IT!), without offering any REAL solutions, and the Democrats... well, maybe there's not such a difference. I'm disgusted with both parties, which is probably why I stopped following politics in general. Which brings us to... MAN TALK Life is a strange thing. I guess I should give you some context. Kent is away for awhile. I go to work and do the best I can, but honestly, it's a struggle. But I try to work within reality. WHAT IS REAL? Well, philosophers with many names have a lot to say about "What is Real?". I'm not that deep. I'm pretty much a meat and potatoes man. My goal is to just go to work, do the best I can, and try to get through the day on the energy that I have. Today, I spoke to a coworker who went through some major health issues, as I have, in the last two years. He seemed to pick up on my demeanor I suppose. He kept telling me how long it takes to recover from surgery. He tells me things like, "Don't get discouraged.", "It can take up to two years to fully recover.". ok. I get it. Be patient. But I'm not a patient person. Perhaps I'm trying too hard. Perhaps I have a higher expectation of myself than everyone else has. I've always been somewhat of a perfectionist. I've always tied to be the example in work ethic. But the truth is, I'm working very hard to maintain a very high bar in work ethics. My mental state is where the U.S. worker used to be in 1970. But why do I need to do this? I've paid my dues. I've worked my butt off for years to get to where I am. I've enjoyed it. But the brutal truth is, with what I have now, I can't sustain that. I can't do what I did when I was 25 years old. Everyone at work understands that, except me. So, I'm used as a mental reservoir of knowledge because I've been there 23 years. That's fine I suppose. My time for physical involvement is over. So now, when I need a physical task done, I call another department and tell them what I need. Then, the 20 year old guys will come out and do what I'm no longer able to do. That's a hard one for me to get used to. Finally, one of my coworkers and I were talking, in the men's restroom no less, issues with urinating. Yes, we were alone. There's a bit of humor here. I told him, "I'm standing at the urinal and doing my thing. This young guy comes in, and it sounds like Niagara Falls in the stall next to me. He finishes, washes his hands, and leaves. I'm left there finishing up. It seems to take forever". The man I was talking to understood this because he's three years older than me. He told me, "Don't compare yourself to others. Everyone is different." Well, that is certainly true.

Reflections on 2009

This past year has been the most horrendous year of my entire life.

On June 5th, I went in for double bypass heart surgery. It would seem that I have the same condition that took my father's life way back in 1961. But in 2009, medical advances have made it possible to save my life. What followed the operation was a long recovery that was painful and slow. But every single awful thing in life has a silver lining. In my case, that lining was made of gold. This is what came out of this experience I had... 1) I'm lucky to be alive. I thank my doctor for this who, on a hunch, sent me for tests that proved that I was not suffering from asthma, but something far more dangerous. If he had not done that, the specialists said that there was an 80% chance that I would be dead within three years. 2) I'm lucky to have had so much support during this time. Our parents (Kent's folks) have been amazing. They flew out to stay with us for two weeks after I was released from the hospital. Kent has been there the whole time. I have no idea how I would have made it through all of this without my family. 3) I'm not alone. Aside from my family, I received no less than 100 cards and several hundred emails wishing me the best during a difficult time. The hard part now is to try to find myself again. My body is different, and it feels different. I still tire easily and there's only so much I can do in a day. Yes, it's VERY frustrating. But, I'm trying, and part of that is going to the gym. I'm trying for no less than three times a week, and hopefully more. It's hard to do because I see all around me these young guys who run for almost an hour hardly breaking a sweat. And here I am on my treadmill, walking fast with a slight incline for no more than 30 minutes with a maximum heart rate that can go no higher than 125. That's all. And after that's done, I'm pretty much out of energy for the rest of the day. I'm told that recovery takes a full year, so I guess by next summer I'll know what my permanent condition will be. Kent leaves for South Africa again this coming Sunday. He will be gone for two and a half weeks. The last time he was in South Africa, he ended up coming home early so I could have my operation. This time, I'm a bit apprehensive at being home completely alone for that long, but this will be a test. I need to know I can do this. So, life goes on and I'm happy to put 2009 behind us. It's been the worst year of my life, but that means 2010 will surely be better! And who knows, talk of marriage for us is in the works. Finally, I want to offer congratulations to gay couples in New Hampshire. As of today, in their state, they are equal to straight couples in their state. As of today, gay couples in New Hampshire have access to marriage. Congrats guys and gals!