Bill and Kent's Place

Checking In...

Hi everyone. I haven't written for a while so I thought I'd make an entry just let everyone know I'm still alive.

A lot has changed since my last entury. My health is good and I still work for the same company, although it's been reacquired by another company and a lot has changed at work, but basically I have my job I am it's a little different than it was, but it's not that bad.

Kent is in South Africa for a month. He left a couple weeks ago. I think the worst part of it is he got over to South Africa and found out that his cell phone doesn't work, even though it's on the international plan, and the places he visits don't have Internet, except very very spotty places that don't have very reliable Internet. So, we have actually only been able to communicate through e-mail for the first few days and I've heard nothing from him since, so I really don't expect to hear from him until he comes back home.

We will then have a couple of days together, and then I'm off for a week in Idaho to see friends and family. I usually go to Idaho in June, when it's a bit cooler. August is probably the hottest month, but I'm going to a celebration of my aunt and uncle's 60th wedding anniversary on August 4th. Then, I leave very very early the next day around 5:00 in the morning, to come back home in Connecticut. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again I hope everyone's there and together so we can have a family reunion. I'm really not that close to my family. I'm trying like hell to get there, but I'm kind of fighting an uphill battle. I think a lot of it is that I haven't known them for years. I've been away for so long and I've been coming back to Idaho every year for the last five-six years every year trying to rekindle relationships. I guess I've kind of come to the conclusion that a lot of those relationships are gone, except it's kind hard to get my head around that and to let it go. I still have good friends there and a cousin that is very very close to me, and my brother, so hopefully it will go well.

And that's about it. I have nothing else to report. I can't wait for Kent to get back and hope you all are doing very well, if anyone is still reading this is all.

Living a small simple life

I had a nice weekend. I went to dinner with a friend Friday night at Costa del Sol in Hartford. If you like Spanish food, they are remarkable. I don't go there often because it's a bit out of the way for me, but I do enjoy it there.

The rest of the weekend was slow for me. But I accomplished some things. I was happy with myself, being able to successfully buy the right lights for our bedroom closet, and installed them without a hitch. Kent usually does this sort of thing. I know it sounds like a small thing, but these are fluorescent lights, so you have to buy the right size and wattage, and then hope it works. I'm afraid I'm somewhat inept at that sort of thing. I shine in other things that others don't, such as art, music, and making a warm home. I'm not sure how useful those things are in the grand scheme of things, but it's what I do well. I also think I'm a rather skilled cook, although, being by myself in this big house, I'm afraid that I have little motivation for cooking. It has to be inspired, and my inspiration for doing that kind of stuff is in the far away continent of Africa.

Still, I do what I can. I was very pleased with myself last night and this morning, at being able to mow our entire lawn. We have a big lawn, and with my issues with heart disease, I wasn't sure how I would do. I did a bit Saturday evening after it had cooled off, and this morning before it got too hot. It was 91 degrees today, but less humid. Still, the heat is too much for me to deal with when working outside. I don't want to push my luck. And being here alone, if anything happened, who would know? I suppose someone from work would eventually inquire into my total absence from answering the phones or showing up at work. They would eventually find my, although, it would probably be too late. Awful thoughts really. But I don't fear them.

I spent today resting after finishing up with the yard work, and tonight, I reclined out on our deck with a nice glass of wine, enjoying the sounds of nature. My mind was wandering as I looked up at the trees, thinking about what a marvel of nature they are. And yet, we take them for granted. Each leaf is a solar panel, gathering energy for the tree. It's too bad that man has not been able to accomplish what they have so successfully achieved. I found myself thinking to them, "I will miss you.", thinking that in twenty or so years time, maybe less, I will cease, but they will continue on. That's the way of things.

It was absolutely still out. No breeze, nothing. I could hear the cicadas for a brief period and then silence. I finished my glass of wine and went back inside where it was cool.

I enjoy my quiet simple life.

Single Living

Kent is in South Africa again. This time seems more difficult than the other times. He'll be there for three and a half weeks. He left last Thursday. On top of that, his phone doesn't work and there's very little that he can do to keep in touch. I feel like half of me is gone. I probably need to just bury myself in work and keep my mind occupied the best I can.

This weekend was rough, but two friends visited last night and we all went out to dinner in Hartford. That was a nice diversion. It was nice of them to come see me.

It's stressful times at work. My company was acquired by another company. And since I'm in IT, my job is now to facilitate the restructuring of our computer network. It's exciting in a way. Some of the load will be taken off me to keep critical functions going. And I will facilitate the transfer of those functions. For a company, it's healthy to reexamine how you've done things for so long. And whether we like it or not, that's going to happen. People are creatures of habit, so most don't deal with change very well. But I'm trying to embrace it. So next Tuesday I will spend my day in Boston talking about all the things that have to get done as this is all happening.

I've been thinking today about what was said at dinner last night. I always thought of myself as a pretty normal looking guy (i.e. more straight than gay looking). But I was told last night that I am apparently quite gay looking, both in appearance and the way I talk. I was told that I talk with a slight lisp. I can't hear it or change it. It's not that I don't like what I am, which is a good thing since I have no control over it. But it's made me wonder if everyone who talks to me, both personal and work life, is thinking, "...he's so gay...", and that's all they see. They don't see me. Am I just a stereotype of a gay man? Why do we have to have a label for everything? Why do we put people into categories? Will my new company still want me because of this, since I apparently project "gay" in my appearance and/or speech patterns? Is this why my neighbor looks at me the way he does... like I'm an alien of some sort? It makes me want to not talk to people and withdraw. It's as if ten seconds after someone talks to me, they are thinking, "Yeah, he's gay.", or worse.

I guess I just got to thinking about it all when my friends told me about how I talk, and how I look. It gets me down. I guess I now know why so many of the straight guys at work will only talk to me when they absolutely need my help with something IT related. I don't bond with any of them, and yet, I see them getting together for drinks after work, etc. But not me. I'm never asked. I think it's because of all of these external things that I have no control over. It sucks.

Time for myself

Had a nice day. Took half a day off, went to Mashapaug Pond to... think and meditate. It was so peaceful there. I had a nice lunch right on the shore. I was the only one on the lake. Sometimes, you just need time to yourself.

Things have been going ok. Work is pretty intense right now and stressful, but I'm coping the best I can.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've written anything. I don't really know if anyone reads this blog or not, so I guess I'm just writing it for me. In the off chance that someone does read this, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!

We are going down to Mystic again this year. We'll stay in the Inn at Mystic, and have dinner at Floodtide Restaurant. They make an awesome home made (no, really!) Thanksgiving dinner.

Life has been good. I took this week off from work and aside from the six phone calls a day from work, I'm having a great time. It's been awhile since I've taken any time off and after awhile it seems like your whole life is all about work. But, I'm lucky to have a job I guess. You know what I'm saying... fewer people because of lay offs, but the same amount of work has to be done with less people. Work is more stressful for those who have a job. But nothing like being without a job. So, I'm not really complaining.

I worry about our country. I've been thinking a lot about it. It seems like we are going down the tubes. Everything seems imported. It doesn't seem to me that America makes anything anymore. National debt gets higher and higher, and who know what's going to happen in Washington anymore. I get why people voted in the Republicans, and I'd be ok with that if I thought they had "the answer", but they don't. In fact, it seems to me that their answer is to make it so nothing gets done in Washington. Is this a good thing? Is it really a good thing when so many are out of work and the stress in our nation is so high for nothing to get done?

Yet, maybe some good things will come out of this. Shakespeare wrote, "Sweet are the uses of adversity....". Maybe, the sweet thing that will come out of this adversity is that we will eventually stop fighting each other and come together and be closer as a nation. I predict that at the end of two years after nothing in Washington is achieved, that there will be another big election and many seats lost again. Eventually, maybe they will stop bickering and start listening to the people. At this point, I don't really care what party makes it happen.

The silver lining for me personally is that there are so many big problems out there, that politicians can no longer use gay people as a scapegoat without looking like idiots. You ever notice how "gay marriage" is no longer the issue? Don't Ask, Don't Tell is still amazingly an issue, even with 70% percent of Americans (and military personnel) wanting to end this policy. My belief is that this now has little to do with gay soldiers serving openly, and is just being used as yet another issue to drag Obama and "the liberals" down. It's as if the man can do nothing right. And I'm sure the fact that he's a black man has nothing to do with it because after all, American is past the race issue, right?

Yet, I have hope. I think Don't Ask, Don't Tell will eventually go away, sooner than later. There's also a bill pending in Congress that concerns bullying in schools. This all came out of all the gay students committing suicide in recent months. I don't know why all the sudden this is an issue because it's been happening for years and no one cared. Perhaps this is a change in attitudes?

Another bill deals with hospital visitation where anyone admitted to a hospital will be able to list the people who can visit him/her. This all comes out because although they don't want to allow gay couples access to marriage, they want to make it look as though they aren't without compassion. So they make a bill where anyone, gay or straight, cousin, whoever, can visit. This is good news if you are a gay couple living in Nebraska for example. It's a "feel good" bill. But if it passes (big IF), it may help some folks out.

Oh, another startling statistic that I heard on the news last night is that 80% of Afghans don't understand why we are even in their country! Also 92% have never heard of "9/11". It's a different world over there. Why are we there? And apparently, all the time we've been negotiating with the Taliban, we've been talking to an impostor, who we've been paying millions of dollars to. Our tax dollars at work.

Anyway, my random thoughts over this Thanksgiving holiday. I hope you all have a great day tomorrow. I'm not going to be thinking about all of this, but rather all the blessings in my life that I do have. We should all do the same.

This and That

Things are going well generally speaking. I had the strangest dreams last night. The first one was about these gigantic bugs that surrounded our neighborhood. They were like flying locusts the size of baseballs. They would land on you, sting you with their jaws, and then start sucking blood out. Maybe I've been watching too many vampire-themed movies lately. I then woke up in a frenzy.

I eventually got back to sleep, and in my second dream, I was married to singer Sarah Vaughn. We traveled together and the music was incredible. What a weird combination.

I've been tracking this nut case with the burning of Korans. Well, even though he called it off because "God told him to", protests around the world have now turned deadly, according to CNN. I hope he's happy now. This from CNN....

At least two people have been killed on a third day of protests here in Afghanistan against a Florida pastor and his planned Koran burning. Although the burning did not take place, the damage has already been done. This time it took place in Logar Province, the province just south of the capital province of Kabul in a district called Baraki Barak

The spokesperson for the governor there said around 600 people gathered around the district governor and wanted to burn it down. That's when the Afghan national security forces came in to try to tame the crowd, instead shooting into it, killing those two and injuring at least four others, and although the burnings did not take place, it seems as though this Florida pastor played straight into the hands of the insurgency, because the insurgents here in Afghanistan will use it to continue to recruit Muslims and Afghans for many months to come.

Way to go pastor!

And about this mosque that they are going to build close to "ground zero", it's not a mosque. It's a community center. And in the same area, there is a strip club. So, for all the religious freaks who are so hot and bothered about how wrong it is to have a Muslim community center so close to "ground zero", you might want to start with the hypocrisy of having a strip club so close to "ground zero". Why doesn't that upset your religious sensibilities?

And if you really want to get all fired up over Muslims and their mosques, did you realize that there is a real mosque in the Pentagon? It's been there for a long time and the Pentagon was also hit, just like "ground zero". Yet, I hear nothing about that.

I think it's time we stop all this nonsense, and focus on who our true enemies are. It's not Muslims. It's terrorists, and they come in all religions. Yes, even Christians! THINK ABOUT IT.

Tomorrow, we start the process of marriage. I'm calling our town clerk on how to get a marriage license. We will be married on Kent's birthday, October 15th.

Second Leg to China

Well, Kent left Chicago and is now in route to China. It will take him about 13 hours to get there. No wonder, look at the route they are taking!

Off to China

We got up super early this morning to get Kent off to China. He will be there for one week, and then back home. For some reason, I'm a bit more worried this time than I am on other trips he takes. It's probably because of my paranoia about China and all the restrictions they have. I'm not sure if he will be able to call, or Skype. I presume email won't be a problem, although wireless technologies, such as the iPad that he took with him, may be an issue.

At any rate, he installed this really cool software on my Blackberry that will, once the flight takes off, alert me that it is in the air, and will give me the location of where he's at. It looks like this. In fact, this is a screen shot right from my Blackberry of his flight.

Pretty cool stuff.

It's nice to be home again

I just returned from a week-long vacation to Idaho. It's not the place I would choose as a vacation spot, but that's most likely to do with my baggage about the state. Boise aside, the state is very conservative and well, generally very short sighted and not accepting of anything outside it's comfort zone. That really doesn't leave a lot of room.

That being said, I found this trip to be quite rewarding. The weather was what you would except this time of year in Idaho. Very dry, around 6% humidity, and around 100 degrees. I tolerated it quite well because I'm used to much higher humidity in the East. I think this was the best trip I've had to Idaho since I left the place in 1978.

I visited my usual friends as I also do. It's comfortable because they are all quite accepting. But what really surprised me was how much my family has come around. Wednesday night, I attended a birthday dinner for a family member. And many of them asked when they were going to meet Kent, and if he might come on the next trip with me. That's quite a step forward. Not so long ago, they would not acknowledge, or approve of the fact that I'm a gay man, let alone ask about my soon-to-be husband. The fact that they connected him to me tells me that at some level, they acknowledge us as a couple, even though most of them probably voted to ban marriage equality for gays in the Idaho Constitution. But perhaps things are changing. Change comes slow in the West, so I suppose if they ever do get around to getting rid of their gay marriage ban, it will be fifty years from now - in the next generation of young people who don't seem to understand what the big deal is with having marriage equality. At any rate, this was one of the highlights of the week.

Another big event was meeting with my college roommate. He was my roommate my first year in college. After that, I roomed with Kent. We had three hours to do a 30-year catch up. I think we did pretty well and I enjoyed our time together. We talked about what people were doing now, and cleared the air on some unresolved issues. On being gay, we had to agree to disagree on whether is is a "sin" or not. I think he wants me to be happy in life, and if that means being together with Kent and being married to him, he actually seemed ok with that. Which seems a bit odd to me because he feels that being gay is a "sin". But that's ok. I've lived long enough to set aside differences and let things go. My main focus at this time in my life is to stay healthy and live a good life. I honestly just can't concern myself with other people's attitudes about the way I live. I live an honorable life, am kind to others, and have a big compassionate heart. Sin or no sin, that's good enough for me.

My brother is doing better I think. And his newly redone home looks great. I think he'll be ok if he takes care of himself. He doesn't do that as diligently as I do. Oh, one more thing about Idaho.... It is absolutely impossible to eat healthy (low fat). It's everywhere and unavoidable. And people eat anything and everything. I guess I'm just paranoid and in a "zero-fat" mindset because my brother will eat things that he really shouldn't be having. At home, I just simply don't have them. So when I get home, I expect to see that I've gained 5 pounds, and will need to get back on track.

Final note in this entry... Ten years ago on this day, we lost our sweet little Sasha. We sure miss her.

Wii Me

Yes, I'm still around. So many things have been happening that it's all I can do to keep up.

My brother is settled for the time being in Boise at a rehab center at the VA hospital. He was doing ok until a week or so ago when they noticed blot clots that had accumulated in his lungs. So, that was a set-back for him. He had to stop walking and doing his exercises, which is a big problem when you are trying to gain strength back. They were afraid that by walking, one of the clots would discharge and travel somewhere else in his body. This is how people die from blood clots.

Then, I talked to my cousin who said that they were going to release him to go home in a week. That's when I called the hospital to talk to them. After a bit of cutting through the bureaucracy (I'm getting good at that), I talked to his social worker, who coordinates with the doctors when the release will happen. I talked to her about the very obvious (to me at least); What if he falls? How is he going to get groceries when he can't even drive? And if he gets groceries, he's not yet able to cook for himself. Do you realize that he lives alone with very little support? And the best one of all; How on earth can you think of a release date when he has blood clots ANYWHERE? It honestly just amazes me.

She assured me he wouldn't be released until they thought he was ready and that these dates change all the time based on how he's doing from day to day. I understand that, but I told her that for them to even be thinking of a release date when he has blood clots is "crazy. I'm not even a doctor, and I know that much!" I can be emotional at times. But it's really just common sense.

She said they will give him a "life line" to wear. That's one of those necklace devices that you can push if you need help (you will probably know them by "...help!!!  I've fallen and I can't get up!"). Also, they will arrange for someone to come by every other day or so to check in on him and help him with certain things. I'm looking at meals on wheels, or some program like that.

Other than that, things are looking up in other areas. We remodeled his house completely. It's a home makeover, and I mean TOP TO BOTTOM; fixed the roof, new flooring/carpeting, new flat screen TV, and the HD antenna goes up soon, new bed, new bathroom, new paint. If he can live alone, I think he'll be all set. I'm thinking of going out to get him situated if I get enough of a warning. The way the VA works, they will come in one morning and say, "We're letting you go today."

On the home front, I'm doing pretty well. Work has been more stressful lately, and that messes up my body. I just can't take stress anymore. I saw my cardiologist last Thursday, and he's concerned that I'm pushing myself too much, and that I'm feeling so much fatigue in the afternoons-evenings - something that I've learned to live with. I can see his concern, but I don't think he understands the stress levels I'm at. He ordered a blood test, and a stress test - routine things. It's a good thing. I want to know where I'm at now. He said the heart sounds quite strong and normal.

As far as work is concerned, I'm thinking of working it out so I work at home two days a week and go in three days. I think that will cut down on the stress levels. I'll still be online with them and will still have the deadlines, but I won't have people dropping by all the time with their issues that they could just as well schedule out. It's not as good for them, but it's better for me. The only thing I really know is, I'm not going to kill myself for this job.

Wedding day seems set. We are having it on October 15th, which just happens to also be Kent's birthday. Some family members would like to come, and others don't. It's become so complicated on how to handle that, that we are leaning towards a private wedding - just the two of us and maybe a few close friends. After that, we'll probably go down to Mystic Seaport for the weekend, or maybe to Cambridge, MA. We'll choose one of them (as opposed to Maine), because Connecticut and Massachusetts see us as equal, where Maine does not. On this day of all days, that's important to us.

One thing that I have become painfully aware of, is that our wedding is not just a wedding to most people. It is a political statement. No matter how open minded people are, they will always see two men or two women getting married as different. They will see them differently than they would a straight couple. I'm not saying that makes them bad people. I'm saying that for us to expect them to see our wedding as a simple wedding, is a reach. Maybe in 50-100 years that will happen, but not now. I'm ok with that. It is what it is, and it takes people time to change, perhaps it takes a generation who grow up with it, that much time to change.

I bought a Wii today. I'm not so interested in the games, although I may try some of the exercise routines it offers. I've noticed lately that when I go to my Netflix queue, more and more movies offer "View Instantly", as opposed to waiting to get the CD to arrive in the mail. And the Wii makes that happen. It talks to Netflix apparently and you can do it all right from there if you have the Netflix disc (waiting for it to arrive). I'm very much into instant gratification and if I can just press a button on my TV screen and watch the movie, well, that's just cool!